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The Boston Market Story
Giants name new coach after displaying continuous disappointment
This story is embargoed until the Potrero Grill stops hiding its burrito colorados underneath a mountain of sour cream and guacamole
Nov. 10 (Bloomberg) -- The New York Giants on Monday fired coach Jim "Ken" Fassel and named former Glen Rock Coupon Clippers coach Edwin P. Reiter to finish out the season, promising to extend his contract to six years or until Tiki Barber fumbles the football, whichever comes first.
Reiter, an award winning headline writer and author of the runaway bestseller "Pro Footballs in Coinage," showed that the Coupon Clippers had redeeming value after taking an 0-12 team and running off a string of 36 straight victories, aided in part by a handful of coupons good for two Glen Rock Pee Wee Football League victories with the purchase of a rotisserie chicken dinner at the Glen Rock Boston Market.
Reiter didn't waste any time in bringing big changes to the team. He announced that defensive coordinator Johnny Lynn was being fired and replaced by Susan Q. Lupow, a onetime copy editor for the North Jersey Evening Kaizen who coined the defensive theory known as "Hold That Linotype."
Saying he was going to institute the nickel back position, Reiter announced that anybody purchasing Giants season tickets would get a new Lewis & Clark nickel back if the team didn't make the playoffs.
Reiter was disciplined last year for placing a container of leftover Sesame Beef in the end zone and then ordering his quarterback to hand the ball off to running back Laird P. Coates, who trampled several members of his own team as well as opposing linemen in his zeal to reach the end zone. Reiter was fined two dozen Sacagawea dollars and ordered to feed his players before the game and, in the case of Coates, also at halftime and during timeouts. Coates missed Sunday's game, however, because he was placed on injured reserve after accidentally getting in the way of the Kaizen sports department at the conclusion of a recent Kaizen Book Club meeting.
The Giants' positive steps in recent weeks -- two straight wins to even their record at 4-4 -- were undone by a 20-point loss to a Falcons team that had lost seven games in a row. Giants coach Jim Fassel said it was as poor a performance as he's ever seen from his team. "They looked like a bunch of hungry copy editors out on that field," > Fassel said.
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On the Net: North Jersey Kaizen Group, http://www.renatakaddatzka.com
Chickie says, Why did Ed Reiter cross the road?*
*Answer: To get to Kentucky Fried