Uh-oh, it's . . .
The Boston Market Story
Mona Lisa busted for habitually violating DaVinci dress code
BC -- North Jersey and Environs Media Group Introduces New Code of Attire, Modest Facial Hair Excepted
By AVERY GOODYEAR
GUNNYSACK, N.J. (Associated Pressing and Cleaning) -- Following a recent episode of the hit TV series "Queer Eye for the Straight News Reporter" in which The Record of North Jersey and Surrounding Environs was misidentified as the Honolulu Advertiser when a segment was taped in the newsroom on Hawaiian Shirt Day, Jonathan "Ken" Markey, the newspaper group's president and chief blogger, announced that Hawaiian shirts, Bermuda shorts, puka shell necklaces, flip-flops, T-shirts, camisoles and tank tops and just about anything previously worn by Ray Edel were banned under the company's new dress code. Effective immediately, Markey said, employees caught wearing any of these and various other items would be escorted out of the building by security guards. Any employee caught dressing like Paris Hilton would be escorted out of the building by Markey himself.
The new dress code was drawn up by Giorgio Armani's cousin Fred, Martha Stewart's former cellmate Renata and Vivian Waixel, said Markey, himself wearing an orange jumpsuit as he addressed a thong of reporters and clarification officers from the Bergen County Jail, where he was being held after throwing the old dress code out the window. The old dress code allegedly landed on the head of a homeless person, killing him instantly. The homeless person was buried this morning in a camisole and Bermuda shorts that were donated by James "Corny" Cornelius, who said he would no longer be needing them. The homeless person almost was saved by the Hackensack River troll, who rushed to knock him out of the way of the plummeting dress code but was tackled by Markey, who had him escorted off the premises for violating the dress code. "No swim trunks," said Markey. "What do you think this is, Club Med Passaic? And for god sake, lose the green chest hair."
"Acceptable attire is at a minimum business casual, even on weekends," Markey said. "What is business casual? It's casual, comfortable clothing that is appropriate for a business setting. For instance, if your business is selling drugs on a street corner in Paterson, you might wear tattered jeans and a T-shirt that says 'I made the front page of the Record and all I got was this lousy T-shirt.' If your business is selling pizza on Main Street, you might wear a 'Kiss the chef' apron.
"Examples of unacceptable attire are: jeans, shorts (especially Bermuda shorts; however, muda shorts are acceptable), weekend casual, beachwear, menswear (men's wear, however, is acceptable, but cowswear isn't), nightclub attire; bowling shirts, unless you have a copy desk bowling league match after your shift and will not have time to change. Also: footwear that might pose a safety risk to the wearer or co-workers such as alligator boots made with live alligators, spaghetti straps (acceptable if they're al dente), camisole type tops, or clothing that would be intended to convey a political message. If you are in doubt about what is acceptable and what is not, then you should err on the side of Siegfried and Roy. In short, use the same common sense that led you to choose a career in journalism."
Despite intense criticism, especially concerning the ban on wearing visors in the newsroom, Markey said the new dress code was the result of the work of several Continuous Improvement committee meetings and had been CEDACed and 4-S'd. The need for a new dress code was all the more important because of 9/11, he added, citing a recent incident in which an intern reported for work wearing a miniskirt and a revealing bustier, prompting award winning headline writer and world renowned numismatologist Edwin P. Reiter to tell her she was "the bomb." A security guard on his way to the cafeteria overheard him and immediately called the Department of Homeland Security. The intern was removed to a remote area of the Record parking lot and destroyed in a controlled explosion.
Asked about footwear, Markey noted most types of shoes are acceptable, but that flip-flops are verboten unless a price tag of more than $100 is left on them. Hush puppies are okay, he added, but Tush puppies are not.
"If someone knows in advance he/she is being sent out on a messy assignment that day (i.e., touring the swamps of the Meadowlands)," Markey said, "then neat weekend casual (i.e., jeans, but not ripped jeans, or the like) are permitted. (We are still representing NJMG to the public -- including those outside the buildings and those who come into the newsrooms, and we should be projecting a professional image.) Obviously, if we are experiencing severe weather (very heavy snow, rains causing flooding, hurricanes, cyclones, tsunamis, cloudbursts, starbursts, burst appendixes, electrical storms, tropical storms, locust swarms, heat waves, cold snaps, for example, then jeans are permitted for that day. If someone's entire shift is late enough to be after normal business hours (i.e., starts at 5 or later), then neat jeans are permitted but Mr. Greenjeans is not."
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Chickie says, Why did Farmer Kevin cross the tomato with the zucchini?*
*Because the nursery was all out of ratatouille plants.