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The Boston Market Story

Man swallowed by giant fissure in volcanic Mount Usu

Rescuers find coupon good for fissure man platter at Boston Market

This story is embargoed until Elian Gonzalez quits smoking those damn Cuban cigars.

2000 The Plei-boi Shimbunny

   SOLONG OSAKA, Japan -- As the sun set on Mount Usu, clouds of thick black smoke poured from one of its gaping craters, and scientists warned that a massive eruption could be brewing.

    The 2,416-foot volcano on the northern Japanese island of Hokkaidosake broke its 22-year silence Friday, spouting gas, smoke, debris, and award-winning headlines reminiscent of the eruption of Mount Edna. More craters have since burst open on its flanks, and magma is straining upward against the mountain's skin.

    Hokkaidosake University geologist Tadahide "Ed" Reiterui said he and other experts have seen signs of a developing "lava dome" -- a cone-shaped mass of magma that nudges its way through the Earth's crust and creates conditions similar to those inside a rotisserie oven.

    Reiterui was last seen handing out coupons good for two dollars off on a rotisserie sushi dinner at the Mount Usu Sushi Market when he disappeared in a cloud of volcanic ash, said Usu Prefecture police spokesman Charles "Sokitume" Zisa, who added that as he disappeared into the fissure, Reiterui could be heard singing, "Magma, how I love ya  how I love ya, my dear ol. ...."

    The formation of the lava dome could be accompanied by a huge eruption of gas and rock.

    Sokitume dismissed the rumblings as a response to an increase in the price of cornbread at the Usu Market.

    The new eruption would dwarf the puffs now spewing from the volcano, racing down the slopes and incinerating everything in its path, Zisa said.

    Known as a pyroclastic flow, such an occurrence would be similar to the eruption of Mount St. Hackensack in 1920, he added, in which the parking lot of a Boston Market opened up and swallowed eight hungry copy editors.  Only an award winning headline writer was spared because he was in the lavatory at the time of the eruption.

    Scholars were not sure when or even if the eruption of Mount Usu would happen.  Zisa lamented the disappearance of Reiterui, and noted that it was doubly tragic because there is no such thing as rotisserie sushi.

 PBSB - 18-35-15-29-53

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