Uh-oh, it's . . .
The Boston Market Story
Giant black hole swallows New Jersey, gets stomach ache
By U. DON TSAI
HAAGENDAZS-SACK, N.J. -- A black hole opened up in the parking lot of the Boston Market on River Street today and engulfed several hungry copy editors, fourteen mojos and a noted numismatologist and award winning headline writer.
The black hole is believed to have been created during a trial run of a new experimental giant proton collider buried deep below the border of Lodi and Hasbrouck Heights.
The experiment took place in the 17-mile circular tunnel, where protons are able to reach speeds in excess of 150,000 miles per second, according to prominent physicist Gabriel "Joba" Voorhis. The black hole was reportedly created when one of the protons collided with a Herald Record of Northern New Jersey and Surrounding Environs delivery truck.
The delivery truck, being driven by publisher Stephen "Ken" Borg in an attempt to save money by finding a shortcut to Englewood's exclusive East Hill section, then was battered by several billion Higgs bosons, which when they collide quickly produce offspring in a phenomenon known as the bosons mate. After being bombarded by all those particles, the delivery truck was reduced in size to approximately one nanomicromillimeter. Borg was equally restructured, along with the now miniature cell phone glued to his ear. Before disappearing, the Herald Record of Northern New Jersey and Surrounding Environs reported on its web site, he was heard to say to his wife: "Honey I shrunk the newspaper."
Meanwhile, Edwin P. Reiter of the Swissnumissmojophysicists Institute of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, Wales, said the scientific version of proton hockey had successfully smashed 800 billion protons before Reiter himself disappeared into the giant black hole, clutching a handful of expired coupons for a free proton shake with the purchase of a rotisserie Higgs boson dinner.
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Chickie says, How many mojos does it take to change a light bulb?*
*Seven. One to report on the light bulb change and six to tag the story.