Uh-oh, it's . . .
The Boston Market Story
Octuplet mom restructures brood
By ALFRED P. DOBERMAN
Staff Penny Pinscher
WEST WOODLAND HILLS, N.J. -- At a crowded nursery room meeting today, octuplet mom Nadya Suleman informed her 14 children there would be no bottlesharing this month, and that some of their positions were going to be restructured.
Citing the loss of sponsors such as Frankie Boo's Luxury Crib Bedding and facing a copyright infringement lawsuit from the producers of "Eight is Enough," Suleman informed the octuplets -- Ken No. 1, Ken No. 2, Renata No. 1, Ken No. 3, Renatas Nos. 2 and 3 and Kens 4 and 5 that two of them would have to go.
"I think Renata No. 3 just went," said Suleman's mother, Angela, reaching for the Baby Wipes.
Asked why she named all eight babies either Ken or Renata, Suleman told the Northern Record Herald of Woodland Hills it was her dream that one of them would grow up to be the mayor of Hackensack, and that another would grow up to manage a Boston Market.
Reached for comment by a Woodland Hills mojo, Ken No. 3, despite being only 15 days old, said "Waaahhh."
"Waaaahhhhh sup?" said Ken No. 2, holding a make-believe cell phone to his ear.
"Waaaahhhhh-sabi" said Renata No. 1.
"Who's your daddy?" said Ken No. 5.
"I don't know," said Renata No. 2. "Who's yours?"
The New York Times reported, meanwhile, that each of the octuplets had a different father, and that the sperm bank that implanted the embryos in Suleman was seeking several billion sperms under the TARP program.
"If Ms. Suleman had conducted her business under the TARP," U.S. Rep. Barney "Ken" Frank told the Times, "she wouldn't have needed artificial insemination, would she?"
When asked about a report that she received food stamps over the previous three years and was facing foreclosure on the one-bedroom mobile home she shares with the octuplets, her previous six children, her mother, grandmother, two aunts and a goat, Suleman said, "I know how this looks, but you have to understand, I was a little behind the eight ball."
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Chickie says, What did the octuplet say to the supermodel?*
*Yo, how would you like to come back to my crib?