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The Boston Market Story


Dubble Bubble Hubble Trouble


    Staff Writer

    WOODLAND PARK, Pluto -- In a multimillion-dollar deal, NASA announced Monday that the Dubble Bubble bubblegum company has acquired the naming rights to the newly refurbished Hubble space telescope, which will hencetoforth be known as the Dubble Bubble Hubble Intergalactibubble View Finder.

    The agreement is worth approximately $250 million and all the bubblegum space shuttle astronauts can chew for the next five years or until the Dubble Bubble Hubble Bubble Gum telescope is pulverized by flying space junk, whichever comes first.

    As the newly refurbished telescope beamed its first images back to earth, elated astronomers announced the discovery of a new galaxy in a black hole within a black hole some 700 gazillion light years from Earth that contained all the elements for life: an ice shelf the size of seven Suns, hills alive with what scientists believe is the sound of music, although due to the difference between the speeds of light and sound, it may be several hundred eons before the music can be heard; and a large banner in some kind of ancient heiroglyphics that cryptologists say loosely translates to: "Help, I'm a prisoner on the planet Lapidus."

    Anybody who saw Episode 76 of "Star Trek" knows that Lapidusians are an alien life form powered by leftover  pizza while they plaster their spaceships with pictures of movie stars from Hollywood's Pleistocene era.

    NASA already is preparing the Starship Linguini for a rescue mission to Lapidus. Due to the large distance -- just to travel 100 gazillion light years would take 320 millennia at warp speed -- NASA announced that mission commander Edwin P. Reiter would be cryogenically frozen for most of the trip. In a related development, Haagen-Dazs, which has acquired the naming rights to the cryogenic compartment, is suing Ben & Jerry's over the introduction of a flavor called The Reiter Stuff.

    In preparation for the lengthy journey, the Linguini's World War II era booster propellers are being replaced by the newest version of the Quark operating system, and 100 pounds of Clairol Touch of Grey hair treatment for men will be carried onboard.

    "Here in outer space, where the Lapidusian sun looks like a gigantic lemon in the sky," Herald Record News of the Northwest Woodland Territories columnist Mike Kenney, who is to be embedded on the mission, beamed  to his blog, "the landscape down below looks eerily reminiscent of the verdant roadways and parking lots of Woodland Hills, New Jersey . . ."

    "Ground control to Mojo Mike," Kenney's bluetooth crackled. "This is Mike Kozmic on the copy desk. The mission hasn't left yet."

    "You mean I haven't been cryogenically frozen for the last 320 millennia?" Kenney said.

    "You must have been sleeping, would you like some Tim Horton coffee? I'll bet you can't get that on the Planet Lapidus," Kozmic said.

      In addition to the threat from space junk, the Linguini will be on the lookout for cryogenically frozen Somali pirates traveling in state of the art Amana freezers purchased with ransom money collected when they hijacked the Starship Enterprise. That and the prospect of having to navigate the distant constellation Bazooka Joe prompted Reiter to exclaim: "Uh-oh, I think there's Dubble Bubble Hubble Trouble ahead."

chiknlitl.gif (292 bytes) Chickie says: Why did the Lapidusian cross the road?*



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*Because there was a school election on the other side.