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The Boston Market Story


Troll arrested in Yangtze Stadium for wearing red socks


    Staff Writer

    XINJIANG PROVINCE, China -- The Hackensack River Troll was thrown into a Chinese jail while visiting his cousin the Uighur Ogre during a series of riots in restive Western China Tuesday, the Chinese news agency Xin Huasup reported.

    Grunting through an interpreter, the Hackensack Troll said he was only visiting China to scout the Uighur Buighurs, a farm team of the Beijing Bombers, on behalf of the New York Yangtzes and that he had no idea the Uighur Ogre was a dissident.

    "In fact, he's only my second cousin twice removed," the Troll said, pointing out that the Ogre was removed from Paris in 1986 for being too ugly and was removed from Beijing before the Olympics for fear he'd scare away the Ukrainian soccer team. Chinese authorities, however, told Xin Huasup that the Ogre wasn't ugly at all, and in fact was the inspiration for the charming movie character Shrek.

    Tensions have been high between the Uighurs and ethnic Hans, who make up a portion of the population in the region, ever since the movie character Han Solo piloted "Star Wars" to a higher opening weekend gross than "Shrek II," according to Hollywood box office analyst Paul "Ken" Dergarabedian.

    Donnie "Ken" Walsh, the general manager of the New York Knicks, meanwhile, denied a report on the Chinese sports web site ESPeon that he had sent the Hackensack Troll to China to convince the Uighur Ogre, who is 7 feet 2 inches tall and weighs more than Shaq O'Neil and Refrigerator Perry put together, to play for the Knicks next season.

    Secretary of State Hillary "Renata" Clinton said she would try and win the Troll's release, as soon as she is finished winning the release of two U.S. journalists being held in North Korea and overturning the election of Machmoud "Ken" Ahchoodinejad to the Iranian presidency. Clinton said she planned to take up the issue with Chinese premier Wen Jiabao Wocky on her next scheduled visit to China, on Dec. 21.

    "The troll is as innocent as the day is long," Clinton said on her web site.

    "But December 21 is the shortest day of the year," noted noted numismatologist, award winning headline writer and blogger extraordinaire Edwin P. Reiter on his blog after reading Clinton's comments.

    Back in New Jersey, where the Troll played shortstop for the Mahwah Mojos of the Hackensack River League, a headline in the New Jersey News blared, "Ogre There," and the newspaper announced that its almost award-winning team of senior moment columnist Ken "Irving" Kenney and Tyree Trishkadekaphotomojo would be going to China just as soon as they could find it on a map.

    "Is it east or west of Baghdad?" Kenney asked.

    "Mapquest it," Trishkadekaphotomojo said.

    "What if someone photoshopped the mapquest?" Kenney asked. "We might wind up in Afghanistan."

    "Just Google it," Trishkadekaphotomojo said.

    "You want me to Google Uighul?"

    "Uighur! Uighur!"

    "What?" asked Kenney.

    "Ahh Uighur! Uighur!" shouted Trishkadekaphotomojo.

    "Dive!" Capt. Gabriel "Joba" Voorhis shouted as the World War II era submarine USS Linguini, docked nearby, plunged beneath the waves of the Hackensack River. When it surfaced several hours later, the Hackensack River Troll was riding on the conning tower.

    "Okay," the Troll grunted. "Who gets the shrimp fried rice?"


Chicken Little  Chickie says: What do you call an ogre who plays college football?*



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*A rambling Shrek from Georgia Tech.