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The Boston Market Story


Can Can girls go brunette due to peroxide shortage


    Special to the New Jersey News

    HACKENSACK -- FBI agents arrested part time supermarket bagger Najibullah "Ken" Zazi in the parking lot of the Ellis Island Boston Market after he allegedly purchased 400 gallons of hydrogen peroxide and a match at a Hackensack beauty supply store.

    "It was the match that tipped us off," Special Agent Charles "Ken" Ziza, no relation to Zazi, of the Hackensack FBI Field Office told New Jersey News mojo Yvonne Coutros-Coutros-Ghali.

    But what about the 400 gallons of hydrogen peroxide? Ziza was asked.

    "Well, it was a beauty supply store," Ziza said. "We asked him about the large quantity and he said it was for his aunt, Zazi Zazi Gabor.

    "I've seen pictures of Zazi Zazi," Ziza said, "and it didn't seem so unreasonable to me. "But the match, who buys matches at a beauty supply store? He might have gotten away with it if he went next door and bought two lottery tickets and a pack of cigarettes."

    When he was arrested, Zazi not only had the large quantity of hydrogen peroxide, the New Jersey News reported on its web site, but in his car were 50 sticks of dynamite, a quart of nitroglycerine, a stack of coupons good for two bottle rockets for the price of one at Sudden Sam's Pyrotechnics and Rotisserie Chicken in North Carolina, a 500-pound bag of nitrogen-rich, organic cow manure and a diagram of the Statue of Liberty. Ziza said Zazi explained that the nitroglycerine was for his heart when he climbed the stairs leading to the torch of the Statue of Liberty so he could take pictures of the Manhattan skyline to send to his relatives in the restive Waziristan section of Pakistan.

    Zazi's lawyer, N. Ron Kuby, disputed the allegations against his client.

    "All he bought was one match with no way to light it," Kuby said. "If he wanted to blow up the Statue of Liberty, don't you think he would have bought the whole matchbook?"

    "He could have struck it on his zipper," Ziza said.

    "Have you seen my client?" Kuby said. "He was wearing stretch pants when you arrested him. Stretch pants don't have a zipper."

    "He could strike it on the pavement," Ziza said, picking the match up off the evidence table and bending over. As he did so, he knocked the container of 400 gallons of hydrogen peroxide over so that its contents began seeping into the large bag of organic manure. As he scraped the match across the parking-lot asphalt, suddenly there was a huge explosion, turning the Boston Market and the Ellis Island Immigration Museum into a large pile of rubble. A short distance away, the Statue of Liberty was lying on its side.

    The next morning, a large headline on the front page of the New Jersey News blared: "Zizi does it!"

    "I think you mean 'Zazi does it,'"  HRNTN copy editor Linda "Zasu" Pitts said to her boss, Vincenzo "Zuzu" Burns.

    "You say Zazi, Zasu,, I say Zizi, Zasu," Zuzu said. "Zazi, Zizi, potato, potahto, let's call the whole thing off."

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Chicken Little Chickie says: What did J. Alfred Prufrock say on his Facebook page?*



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