Uh-oh, it's . . .
The Boston Market Story
Cheese and desist, food critic tells blogger
By ALIZA "RENATA" DOLITTLE
NEWARK, N.J. -- Flanked by the great great granddaughter of the Indian maiden Sacagawea and several descendants of the explorers Lewis and Clark, Newark Stark-Raver general counsel Lucretia "Renata" Borgia slapped a restraining order on the popular blog "Eye on the Boston Market Story" today, accusing the longtime web site of maligning its cuisinary coverage and having poor taste buds in general. Borgia also blasted the blog for accusing the newspaper of reassigning its beet reporters and abandoning its roots.
Borgia pointed out that the Boston Market Story, whose motto was and still is "Where all the men are called Ken and all the women Renata," of paying scant attention these days to the parking lot of the very Boston Market in Hackensack that, through flood and fire and earthquake, asteroid smash, rogue spaceship strike, tsunamis and volcanoes, gave rise to its popularity in the first place.
She then made a PowerPoint presentation showing a recent Stark-Raver article with the headline "Mojo Finds Water in Moonachie," calling it an example of the newspaper's commitment to community journalism.
"While the nation was glued to stories about water on the moon," Borgia said, "we asked, 'Why send a mojo into space when there's plenty of water in Moonachie?' Why, the Moonachie River is wider than a mile. I crossed it myself, in style, just last week on my way to a watering hole in Newark."
"Excuse me, Ms. Borgia," interrupted Stark-Raver copy editor Mike "Ken" Kozmic, "I think you mean Moon River. That's the one that the Space Shuttle Linguini discovered is wider than a mile. The Moonachie River is a tributary of the Hackensack, and isn't much wider than our assignment desk chief."
"That's the problem with the Eye on the Boston Market Story," Borgia reiterated. "Why don't you quit dancing around the bush and just say it: The head of our assignment desk is fat. And while you're at it, why don't you stop beating up on our food critic." Borgia then switched to the next PowerPoint slide, showing the Stark-Raver's popular Lifestyle feature "Cheap Eats: Breakfast for Under $100."
"They found water on the moon this week," wrote restaurant critic Audrey "Renata" Heartburn, "which made me think of the song 'Moon River.' So I went and had breakfast at Tiffany's, where the eggs are scrambled with a 100 percent sterling silver scrambling fork and served with beautifully marbleized bacon, but the best part of breakfast was the array of desserts. I sampled the chocolate cake served on a Marie Antoinette presentation dish, and a raspberry mousse was served with the antlers removed. All for a very reasonable $98.99."
Borgia told Eye on the Boston Market blogger Aaron "Ken" Elson that if he didn't stop poking fun at the Stark-Raver he would be served with a coupon good for two side subpoenas with the purchase of a subscription to the Stark-Raver at the former employee discount.
"Uh-oh," Elson said in a statement that he released into the Hackensack River. "This could be the end of the Eye on the Boston Market Story.
"By the way, Ms. Borgia," he added, "if you're through with that copy of the Stark-Raver, would you mind giving it to me? I want to clip the ShopRite coupon offering two marbles with the purchase of an eye round of beef."
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*He was looking for an Upside Down Lucretia.