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The Boston Market Story
Tiger argues with wife, takes it out on Caddy
By MONSEAL FORE-ADO
Women claiming to have had affairs with Tiger Woods continued to come out of the woodwork today as Renata Frittata, a former cocktail waitress at the Augusta National Boston Market, revealed the latest in a series of hot-and-heavy text messages from the world's greatest golfer.
"I'm on the 16th hole and I could sure use a couple of side dishes tonight," Woods allegedly texted Frittata in the middle of last year's U.S. Open.
"Be sure to bring some extra coupons," Frittata allegedly texted him back.
At least a dozen women, including former vice presidential candidate Sarah "Renata" Palin, have come forward since Woods backed his Cadillac Escalade into a fire hydrant following his wife's discovery of one of his alleged dalliances, and his wife freed him by driving the vehicle into a tree with a four iron.
"Guess what I've got that's even bigger than that silly gecko," Woods allegedly texted Palin from the green on the 11th hole at last year's Exxon Valdez Invitational while he waited for Phil "Ken" Mikkelsen to line up a putt. It was not immediately known how Woods knew of Palin's alleged affair with the globe-trotting insurance icon, which was only recently revealed in Palin's memoir, "Going Vogue."
Frittata also allegedly supplied golfdigest.com with a voicemail from Woods in which he said, "Guess who's not wearing anything under his green jacket." If the time stamped on the voicemail is correct, Woods was on the fairway of the seventh hole of the Masters when he made the call.
Meanwhile, Woods' troubles mounted today when his tee shot on the 17th hole of the U.S. Open drifted off to the right and landed in a small lake. The ball was then hijacked by Somali pirates who emerged from the reeds in a speedboat and demanded a $3 million ransom for the safe return of the ball.
Faced with disqualification from the Open if he didn't get his ball back, Woods offered the pirates $500,000 and some steamy pictures of Frittata, which they promptly accepted. As they turned to head back to the pirate haven of Haradhikari on the lawless coast of Somalia, however, a World War II era submarine emerged from the depths of the small lake and intercepted their skiff.
Woods was able to par the hole and win the tournament, after which he allegedly texted Frittata, "There's this neat submarine in the water trap, what do you say we watch some submarine races in my Escalade tonight?"
Earlier in the day, the Callaway company canceled a multimillion dollar endorsement deal with Woods and awarded the contract for pitching their golf clubs to his wife, Elin, who claimed that if the tree hadn't gotten in the way she would have knocked the Escalade into the next county. Woods received some good news, however, after telling Katie "Renata" Couric on national television that he'd made some transgressions. He reportedly is in negotiations with Aamco, which is offering a substantial sum to sponsor his future extramarital affairs.
When noted golf writer Roberto "Ken" Capish pointed out there there was a difference between a transgression and a transmission, Edwin P. Reiter, an award winning headline writer, numismatologist and spokesman for Aamco, responded that the morning after Couric's interview with Tiger, "transgression" was the most widely searched word on Google.
"Nobody knows what a transgression is," Reiter said, "but everybody who drives has a transmission."
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Chickie says: What did the judge say when Tiger Woods asked how many points he would get on his license?*