Uh-oh, it's . . .
The Boston Market Story
Underwear bomber lands role in 'Sopranos'
By RENATA FRITTATA
Only weeks after the Family Channel canceled its sponsorship of the Tiger Woods Open, saying it wasn't Woods' tournament that was open, Viagra has pulled out of a sponsorship deal with underwear bomber Umar Farouk "Ken" AbdulMutallibaba.
In attempting to blow up a Northwest Airlines jet with more than 300 people aboard as it prepared to land in Detroit, AbdulMutallibaba set off a bomb hidden in his underwear, but the makeshift explosive device only popped and fizzled and set his lap on fire before AbdulMutallibaba was subdued by several passengers and crew members. The fire caused second and third degree burns to AbdulMutallibaba's private parts. He was being held in a Detroit prison hospital pending a transfer to a facility run by the Boston Market Medical Group.
"Due to extenuating circumstances," Viagra spokesman Timothy P. Nostradammit said, "Mr. AbdulMutallibaba is unlikely to be able to maintain the high performance standards required of a Viagra endorser."
Homeland Security officials, meanwhile, were investigating a report that a female airport screener at Amsterdam's Schihphol Airport asked AbdulMutallibaba, "Is that a stick of dynamite in your pants or are you happy to see me?" And authorities searching AbdulMutallibaba's dorm room at the London university where he studied found several copies of the Undabomber Manifesto by Theodore "Ken" Kaczynski.
In northern New Jersey, consumer affairs reporter Kevin "Ken" deMoredemerriais revealed that AbdulMutallibaba was actually a barrister representing the daughter of a former African finance minister who was suffering from terminal multiple malignant myelomatic cancer and had contacted deMoredemerriais by email only last week asking him to mention in his column that he was seeking the assistance of someone with a U.S. bank account to spirit approximately 99 and 44/100ths percent of a billion dollars out of the Ivory Coast.
According to a fashion publication, AbdulMutallibaba wore sweat pants when he purchased his ticket and should automatically have been put on a no fly list. "No s--t," said MenSwear Daily publisher Edwin P. Reiter. "Any ticket agent should know sweat pants have no fly. What was she thinking?"
AbdulMutallibaba's father, a wealthy Nigerian banker, said he lost contact with his son several months ago but that recently he saw his son's picture in an advertisement for an electronics store in the Yemeni capital of Sana'a. The full-page ad in the New York Times featured a picture of AbdulMutallibaba with the saying "Crazy Abdul, he's in Sana-a."
Authorities said the explosive sewn into AbdulMutallibaba's underwear, PETN, a volatile liquid, may have been diluted after he nervously drank several cups of coffee and then had to wait for more than two hours for a bathroom in the rear of the plane to become vacant. The diluted substance, sometimes called PPPETN, is more likely to burn than explode, the authorities, speaking on condition of anonymity because they didn't want their wives to know they worked for the FBI, told the Associated Press.
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Chickie says: What kind of underpants was Umar Farouk "Ken" AbdulMutallibaba wearing?*
*Fruit of the Boom