Uh-oh, it's . . .
The Boston Market Story
Gulf oil glob in shape of Virgin Mary sells for $2.1M on eBay
By U. BETCHER BEEPEE
BILOXISACK, MISS. -- Several hungry copy editors chartered a World War 2 era submarine to take them to the site of the Deepwater Horizon disaster, where they plan to plug the undersea gusher with thousands upon thousands of unsold newspapers from New Jersey, the Biloxisack Bugleoogle has learned.
"We want to show that the newspaper industry is still relevant," said noted numismatologist and award winning headline consultant Edwin P. Reiter, who will helm the mission. "You can't plug a well with the Internet."
Reiter predicted that although the newspapers may be a little soggy by the time they reach the wellhead, there should be a sharp increase in participation in the New Jersey Ledger's Newspaper In Education program due to the presence of several schools of fish in the area.
Meanwhile, New Jersey humanitarians have delivered a truckload of earthworms to Biloxisack, Reiter said, "because the oily bird catches the worm, and even the late birds have become pretty oily."
Out in the Gulf of Mexico, the crew of the S.S. Minnow, a tourist dinghy, used 200 gallons of Dawn dishwashing liquid to clean oil off what they thought was a Great White Whale before discovering that the whale was black to begin with. Linda "Renata" Voorhis, the owner of Linda's Tourist Dinghies, had to be treated for dishpan hands when the Minnow returned to port.
The USS Linguini, the World War 2 era submarine, ran into its first major problem when it discovered that British Petroleum had issued two-for-the-price-of-one coupons for barrels of gushing oil and that several hundred thousand coupons had already been used.
"It looks like we'll need a bigger Food section," the Linguini's skipper, Gabriel "Joba" Voorhis, no relation to his mother, Linda "Renata" Voorhis, told noted culinary blogger Victor "Ken" Sassoon.
"Well, here goes nyuttin," Reiter said, giving his fellow hungry copy editors a baleful look as the crew stuffed bales of unsold newspapers into the submarine's torpedo tubes.
"Fire one!" Reiter said.
"Which one should we fire?" asked Chief Torpedo Mate Jerry "Ken" DeMacaroni.
"Which one has the most seniority?" asked Very Petty Officer Tom "Ken" Trombone.
"Damn the torpedoes!" shouted Voorhis. "We're being sucked into the wellhead."
"Thar she blows!" said a crew member aboard the Minnow as the Linguini emerged from the water atop what appeared to be a gusher. Suddenly a wagging tail emerged from the water about 30 feet from the Linguini and the Great Black Whale gently deposited the WW2 era submarine on the surface.
Reiter then emerged from the conning tower and thanked the whale, which appeared to be grateful for its recent dispersant bath.
Suddenly the Linguini's radio crackled to life. "Was it a success?" the editor of the Biloxisack Bugleoogle was shouting into the microphone. "We're on deadline and need a headline."
"Here's your headline," Reiter said. "Oil's well that ends well."
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Chickie says: What was the most popular diet dish at the Deepwater Horizon Boston Market?*
*Light, sweet crudites