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The Boston Market Story


President sports lump on noggin after bumping into debt ceiling


Stuff Writer

    WASILLASACK, Alaska -- Prospects for an agreement to increase the debt ceiling improved greatly today when it was learned that John “Ken” Boehner and Barack “Ken” Obama both were nicknamed “Ken” after receiving the key to the city of Hackensack several years ago from former Mayor Jack “Ken” Zisa.

   Under terms of the accord, the debt ceiling would be raised from $14.1 trillion to $17.2 gazillion by August 1 pending clarification from the federal Office of Budget and Management on just how many trillions are in a gazillion.

   The package includes both spending cuts and revenue enhancements. Among the enhancements will be the sale of naming rights to properties on the National Mall. Already deals are in the works for the Haagen-Dazs Museum of Sea, Air, Space and Ice Cream, the Deutsche Bank World War 2 Memorial, the Gutterman and Musicant Arlington Cemetery and the Geico Washington Monument, where 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more.

   A major sticking point appeared to have been resolved when President Obama agreed to end Social Security, replacing it with a series of coupons good for two dollars off a rotisserie chicken dinner at Boston Market. The deal almost fell apart, however, when Obama insisted that Medicare pay for the rest of the chicken dinner and the 87 House freshmen supported by the tea party insisted that the coupons include a picture of Michele Bachmann heaving sacks of tea into Boston Harbor. After award winning headline writer and prominent numismatologist Edwin P. Reiter wrote a column in the Numismatological York Times explaining that the balance of the meals could be paid for with surplus Sacagawea dollars, the two sides instead agreed that the former Social Security recipients could pay for the rest of the rotisserie chicken dinners after saving piles of money by switching to Geico.

   Sarah “Renata” Palin, a likely presidential contender herself, applauded the end of Social Security during a news conference in the parking lot of the Boston Market in Wasillasack, Alaska.

   “This may affect a few old people,” she said, “but have you tasted that Boston Market chicken? If you ask me, it’s finger lickin’ good.”

   “Excuse me, Ms. Palin,” interrupted Gabriel “Joba” Voorhis, an intrepid political reporter for the Idaho-Butte Alaskan, “I think you mean Kentucky Fried Chicken is finger lickin’ good.”

   “Call security!” Palin shouted. “Will someone please escort this southern liberal Democrat out of here?”

   Just then a dozen Somali pirates appeared at Palin’s side, while Palin pointed to “Joba” Voorhis. One of the pirates hoisted a large photocopy of a check for one million dollars made out to the Committee to Elect a Tea Party Candidate, in exchange for naming rights to the Republican Party, while the eleven other pirates proceeded to chase “Joba” Voorhis out of the parking lot.

   “Wasillasack, Alaska,” Joba typed furiously into his Black-and-blueberry while he pounded it on the head of one of the Somali pirates. “Look out, Mister Obama, It appears that Sarah ‘Renata’ Palin is now the darling of the Somali Pirate Republican Party.”

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Chicken Little Chickie says: What's black and green and better dead than red?*








*The Tea Party




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