Uh-oh, it's . . .
The Boston Market Story
where every woman is "Renata" and every man is a "Ken"
Uganda believe: Joseph 'Charles' Keny kidnaps Nigerian Little League team
By IDI AMIN BABORG
Special From the Tutsi Roll-Pop
KUALA WALLA BING BANG, Nigeria -- According to "Keny2012," a 30-minute documentary that has gone ultraviral on YouTube with 260 million views -- almost as many downloaders as saw "Susan Boil" on the Food Network -- in the 1980s notorious African warlord Joseph "Charles" Keny kidnapped thousands of Nigerian children and forced them to work in the email fraud industry.
The scheme was uncovered by intrepid consumer affairs reporter Kevin "Ken" DeMoredemerriais of the Woodland Lake Salmon-Ella when he received an email informing him that he had won $560 million in the Nigerian Powerball Lottery. While he was skeptical at first, he was swayed by the fact that his acceptance of the winnings would be accompanied by a $20 gift card for Red Lubster. Besides, the cashier's check from the Bank of Nigeria was signed by none other than former International Monetary Fund chief Dominique Strauss-Ken himself. So he headed straight for the Seven Eleven Thirty. There he discovered what appeared to be a minor problem: Quite by accident, the cashier's check was made out in the amount of $562 million. Strauss-Ken included a personal note asking him to send the extra two million dollars to him in Nigeria, and telling him to keep the remainder which, Strauss-Ken pointed out, was tax-free since there were no taxes on imported rubber.
Demoredemerriais did, however, have to buy a Slurpee at the Woodland Lake Seven Eleven Thirty before the clerk would cash the check.
Three days later, when several former child soldiers saying they were from a collection agency showed up at the newspaper office demanding the return of the $562 million, Demoredemerriais began to realize the cashier's check may have been a fake. He explained that he no longer had much of the money since he used some of his winnings to purchase iPads from a street vendor for all of his grandchildren. The former child soldiers then pointed several Kalashnikovs and AK 47s at him and demanded he empty his pockets. After counting several hundred thousand twenty dollar bills, the former child soldiers told Demoredemerriais that if he didn't come up with the rest of the cash in 24 hours, his YouTube video would make "Susan Boil" look like "Renata of Sunnybrook Farm."
Uh-oh, Demoredemerriais thought, as he removed his last dollar bill from his right sock, where he kept it for an emergency. "I'd better use this to buy a real PowerBall ticket." Told he would have to travel to Illinois to buy a ticket, he used the last of his frequent flier miles to get an economy class seat.
The next day, when the former child soldiers arrived at the newspaper office with their AK-47s and Kalashnikovs, a smiling Demoredemerriais handed them a winning PowerBall ticket worth $565 million, and asked them to return the excess three million to him after they cashed it at the Seven Eleven Thirty.
When they handed the clerk the winning ticket, the former child soldiers were promptly arrested by a SWAT team from the Woodland Lake Police Department who informed them that the allegedly winning PowerBall ticket was counterfeit. The former child soldiers then asked to see a producer.
"Wouldn't you rather see a lawyer?" said Woodland Lake Police Chief and world renowned headline writing numismatologist Edwin P. Reiter.
"No, we would like to see a producer," the former child soldiers replied. And thus the documentary "Keny2012" was born, thanks to the intrepid reporting of Savvy Consumer columnist Kevin "Ken" Demoredemerriais, who was last seen chasing an iPad vendor through Times Square and shouting that he was going to call the Better Business Bureau if the street vendor didn't exchange those twelve Etch-a-Sketches for real iPads, and followed by several former child soldiers now in the employ of Red Lobster who were shouting for the police to arrest Demoredemerriais for taking his grandchildren to dinner and paying with a counterfeit gift card. The former child soldiers themselves were being chased by several Somali pirates who were furious because the former child soldiers had used a counterfeit cashier's check for $400 million to ransom Joseph Keny after his tourist dinghy was hijacked in the Gulf of Aidan.
Chickie says: Why did the paranoid vegan check himself into the mental hospital?*
*Because he thought the corn had ears and the potatoes had eyes.