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The Boston Market Story

where every woman is "Renata" and every man is "Ken"

Snail Team Six heads 2012 Warped Toy List

By SIEGFRIED 'VICTOR' SASSOON

Special to the Deadwood Gulch Recorder

    HEYYYY ABBOTABAD, Pakistan -- WikiLeaks founder Julian "Ken" Assange, in releasing the latest batch of 200,000 highly classified documents, revealed today that in a secret deal between Mattel, Inc., and the CIA, activist Rev. Christopher "Ken" Rose has been kept in a secret "rendition" prison in Uzbekistan for more than three years in an attempt to prevent him from revealing his annual Warped Toy List.

   Although the 2010 and 2011 Warped Toy Lists were destroyed in a targeted drone attack, along with several mules, a camel, two elephants, a handful of alleged Taliban militants, and the entire cast of "Survivor 27: The Restive North Waziristan Region of Pakistan" as the lists were being smuggled out of Uzbekistan through Pakistan, Iran, Mongolia, Turkey and Afghanistan, not necessarily in that order,   the Boston Market Story has obtained a slightly cruise missile-damaged copy of the 2012 Warped Toy List.

   While Christmas has come and gone, the Boston Market Story feels obligated to reveal the list's contents in order to prevent harm from coming to children of all ages when Hanukkah, Christmas and Kwanzaa 2013 come around. Excuse us, one moment, there's someone at the door. Hello? Pizza delivery? But it isn't election day. "Bang, blam, POW, kaboom, bang bang ratatatat" Pardon the interruption. Now, where were we? Oh, the 2012 Warped Toy List, which, if you hope to see Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa or Festivus 2014, you would be wise to avoid like the plague.

   In order of toxicity, from the least dangerous to the deadliest, the Rev. Christopher "Ken" Rose ranked the Warped Toys for 2012 as follows. We can only imagine what was on the lists from 2010 and 2011:

    10) Snail Team Six.

    Children can play with these replicas of the top secret Snail Team Six, which was sent to worm its way into Osama Bin Laden's compound in Heyyyy Abbotttabad, Pakistan, and plant a miniature tracking device on the terrorist mastermind while he casually dined on one of his favorite dishes, escargots boiled in the blood of infidels. Although no member of Snail Team Six survived the mission, its success led to the actual termination of Bin Laden several months later when he was smothered to death by the highly secretive Sumo Team Six.

    9) Benghazi Barbie 

This lifelike reproduction of the young lady in charge of Libyan security for the U.S. embassy in Benghazi, Libya, comes with optional bulky vest. From Don't Ask Don't Mattel Toys.

    8) Tim Tebow Action Figure

This lifelike quarterback Tim Tebow doll from Christian Values Toys didn't see much action on the field during the New York Jets' season, but sure got a lot of action off the field.

    7) Black & White & Read All Over Ops III

Journalism's answer to the U.S. Navy SEALs, this video game for Xbox and Wii is rated R for excessive violence. In it highly trained reporters brave alligator infested waterways to sneak into terrorist compounds and Syrian war zones. This intrepid reporter was last seen crossing an alligator infested river in the Ofeekenokee Swamp while investigating the Colombian drug trade.

    6) Cucumber cannon

A favorite plaything of youths in the Middle East, this toy weapon shoots olive pits. Unfortunately, the olive pits have proved to be no match for rubber bullets, or, in the case of Syrian children, live ammunition and rocket propelled grenades. 

  5) Fiscal Renata

Move over, Thelma and Louise. There are no soft landings when Fiscal Renata takes you over the edge. Just ask Wiley E. "Ken" Coyote.

    4) Mitt Romney Bobblehead

Heil to you, too, Mitt.

    3) Farmville T-shirt

'nuff said.

2) Semiautomatic Glockenspiel

This charming Glockenspiel comes with a real Glock, held by a porcelain figurine that emerges every hour on the hour and fires a dozen rounds before disappearing back into the glockworks. Not recommended for children under 30 if they plan on seeing their 31st birthday.

1) The Assault Gun Cookbook

    1) The Assault Gun Cookbook, featuring such recipes as "Brrrrpless cucumber salad," "Ratatatouille," Machine Gun Brockelly, Bangbangbangers & mash, Peppered Steak, and the piece de resistance, Fig Newtowns.