Uh-oh, it's . . .
The Boston Market Story
Rocker apologizes to New York, but offends numismatologist
This story is embargoed until the president's daughter Jenna stops saying "Okay, I'm out of the bushes now" every time she passes a drug test.
©2000 The Atlanta Constipation
FLUSHING -- Following is the text of the statement made Thursday by Atlanta Braves reliever John Rocker before the game against the New York Mets:
"First of all, I would like to say that I am happy to be back in New York, believe it or not, Mister Ripley. I've been involved in some great games and always seem to pitch well here. And I love the New York Mets. I really do. I'd love to be traded to the New York Mets. As long as they don't move to New Jersey. Because then I'd have to start telling Noo Joisey jokes, besides, who wants to pitch in a freaking swamp. ...
"Uh, excuse me. Unfortunately, the situation has continued to escalate about my presumed hatred for the people of New York. The comments I made over six months ago offended many people. I am fully aware of this, and for that I sincerely apologize. There are some people, however, that I neglected to offend, like that award winning headline writer who wrote "Off his Rocker."
"Rocker beans numismatologist." How's that for an award winning headline, bub?
"Er, ah, this situation has become a distraction to many of my teammates. Unfortunately, many members of the media have overestimated my significance. I am merely a baseball player guys, and in the great scheme of things my thoughts, opinions and attitudes are of little importance. Besides, guys, do you think Sacagawea really got her picture on the dollar coin just by washing and sewing for Lewis & Clark? Some of her friends were Braves, you know, and that wasn't water they were carrying in their canteens, why do you think they discovered Oregon when they were looking for Philadelphia, huh, bub, put that in your numismatology book, Mister Headline Writer.
"Uh, as I was saying, attempts have been made to make this situation bigger than the game itself, and in every realm of sports, nothing is bigger than the game. Not the fans who watch it, not the bookmakers who lay odds on it, not the players who bet on it, and not the namby pamby hungry copy editors who ride the Number 7 train.
"I have apologized and have felt badly for anyone who took my comments personally. My comments weren't made with intentions of malice. However, many people perceived these comments to be malicious, and for this, I hope you all get run over by a Number 7 train.
"I also feel that the people of New York as well as the media have misjudged me. I am not the evil person that has been portrayed. And when given the opportunity, many people who actually know me have spoken out strongly on my behalf.
"I also am fully aware that the overwhelming majority of the people in this city are extremely charismatic and full of personality, and some of them are full of gas. Hey, anybody wanna smell this cup of coffee?
"Now, I will put this situation behind me. So please, allow the fans, the Atlanta Braves, major league baseball, and the Number 7 train to move ahead, especially if all you $#@^&#! sportswriters and headline writers are standing in front of it.
"From here forward, I will discuss nothing but baseball. If you have questions about anything else, you can put them in a separate container and send it where the sun don't shine."
A-CSTP - 21-97 56-28 1031