Uh-oh, it's . . .
The Boston Market Story
where every woman is a "Renata" and every man a "Ken"
Newspaper employs enhanced interviewing techniques in war on error
By TIMOTHY NOSTRANDAMUS
NEVERSAYLODI, New Jersey (Asphyxiated Press) -- In the wake of a scathing Asphyxiated Press Managing Editors report detailing instances of surfboarding at the Orange County Register, sheep deprivation at the Farmer's Almanac and the subjecting of web site visitors to nonstop marathons of cute cat videos by the Hairball Street Journal, local newspaper legal counsel Lucretia "Jenny" Borgia defended the use by the newspaper industry of "enhanced interviewing techniques."
So-called EITs were instrumental, Borgia stated, in retrieving this year's Warped Toy List from a high ranking member of the Islamic State of the Boston Market Parking Lot, also known as ISBMPL, after the militant group kidnaped the Rev. Christopher "Ken" Rose before he could release his annual list.
A copy of the list has been obtained exclusively by the Boston Market Story.
Featured on this year's list are such hazards as unlabeled foods containing peanuts, ultrahot coffee, megalomaniac action figures and sexy Ebola nurses.
Without further ado, here is this year's Warped Toy List.
Hands Up Don't Shoot Barbie and I Can't Breathe Ken, the power couple of the doll world. For children ages 18 and up, from the Go Matell It On the Mountain division of Toys Ain't Us.
Lionel's Gravy Train: The passengers in this dastardly toy come out of real graves. For children ages 60 and up. From The Skeleton Crew.
LegoSaurus Rex. Why wait for Jurassic World when you can build your own dinosaur. Comes with a tube of mystery dino dna. Will you create T-Rex or Barney? Only Steven "Ken" Spielberg knows for sure. For ages 6 and up, from Lego My Eggo toys.
Kim Kardashian bobble-butt. Look out, kids, there's a whole lot of shaking going on. For children ages 30 and up, from Bum-ba-bum-bum Toys.
Kim Jong-un action figure. This extreme rendition of the North Korean leader is suspected of hacking into thousands of Sony PlayStations, causing them all to show nothing but blog posts from the Eye on the Boston Market Story. How nasty is that? From Sony no Baloney Toys. For children of all ages, except for the ones below 30
Important Update: Toys Ain't Us has recalled several hundred thousand Kim Jong-un action figures, which have been its top seller this holiday season. Several dozen children have been seriously injured when they ask the action figure a question, and its head explodes.
"Beware the Krakenoenke" This toy puts the Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum in the holidays, but if you're not careful you'll wind up in the wrong kind of wrapping. For children aged 45 and up, from the Kroenky Tonk Toy Co.
The "Star Wars: The Force Awakens" alarm clock. Set the dials, and at 6:45 a.m. you'll be jolted out of bed by 500 volts of electricity. From Kong Edison Toys. A little costly at $595, but can be purchased on the Leia Way Plan. For children 21 and up from Jabba Wocky Playthings.
My Little Drony. Now Junior can have his own radio controlled, pint sized predator, equipped with laser guided cat toys that in testing caused several family pets to jump out of their skin. For children ages 30 and under. From Sickorsky Toys.
Phony Baloney: It looks like lunch meat, but is really rubber. One hundred percent organic. Great for trading sandwiches with kids whose moms send them to school with a Whole Foods lunch pail. For twentysomethings and up. From Hole Fools Inc.
Bump & Crash Road Warrior: This modern version of the classic Warped Toy original Bump & Crash Laird comes with its own Flea-Z pass, which allows the driver to save money by picking up itch hikers when crossing the George Washington Bridge. For children ages 16-85. From Fix-a-Flat Toys Inc.
Chickie says: What's Kim Kardashian's favorite island?*